By Mindy Smith-Pace, 2019 Dole Caregiver Fellow, Iowa
“In seeking success, you must also seek fulfillment. Ask yourself not only what you want to be but who you want to be.” -Senator Elizabeth Dole
I’ve been told for many years that March 8 is International Women’s Day. A day where we celebrate that women are and can be anything they set their minds to be. As a woman in her fifties who has celebrated this day many times with her daughters and yes, even a granddaughter, I am thinking about it differently this year.
Many years ago, my amazing husband was injured while in the Army. I was already a mother of three special needs children and a wife of many years, and I never expected my life to change after his injury in the way that it did. I suddenly found myself becoming consumed with doctor appointments, paperwork, and benefits. I had to navigate many systems and change our everyday life to one where I was suddenly lost. I felt I lost myself in the midst of managing my husband’s care, parenting, and being a wife.
I had to put aside my dreams—finishing school, my art classes, even my part time job. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I had become so focused on caring for my husband, parenting, and being a wife that I lost myself along the way. Then, one day, someone called me a “caregiver”—a Hidden Hero— for the first time, and it was in that moment I began to understand the role I had been unknowingly fulfilling.
After much research, I learned that many caregivers experience burnout unless they take time for self-care. That’s when I learned about the Elizabeth Dole Foundation and their work to help caregivers like me not feel overwhelmed and learn to prioritize our self-care as much as the care of our injured loved one—and that is something not to be ashamed of. I had to figure out a way that I could become who I always wanted to be and still be able to love and care for my family, especially my husband. I met with other caregivers. I learned of resources, and I started on the path to be who I wanted to be— to be an advocate for other people, to use my voice and experiences while still providing all the love and care I could to my family. I wanted people to know that I was proud of my husband and proud of myself. I wanted to go back to school, which I did. I wanted to use my education to help others, and I still do that now. I now know what and who I want to be.
I don’t need to be famous to be included in the long list of great women including Senator Elizabeth Dole, First Lady Rosalynn Carter, Anne Sullivan, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, Debbie Reynolds, Leeza Gibbons, and Maria Shriver to name a few. I have something in common with all of them even though I am not famous, and my list of accomplishments is not well known. I am a caregiver. I am the best caregiver I can be, thanks to acknowledging that I am still me and can still have my own success stories too.
While I know it sounds hard, self-care needs to be a priority for all caregivers. The secret of success for the over 60% of the 53 million women who are caregivers is to be themselves first. To find what gives them joy. To find the thing that makes you a better person will not just affect you, but it will make you a better caregiver for those you love. Take time to read, to draw, to go to lunch with friends, or to join a support group. Check out organizations like the Elizabeth Dole Foundation. This month in honor of all the women we celebrate, celebrate YOU! You are important. This is your time to be who and what you want to be.
